My mom has been picking fights with me lately over little things and it's only because she's going to miss me so much. It's true. Us hispanics show our feelings in weird ways.

"Enjoy The Ride"

I take it as it is
And you're too caught up in your old habits
How can one be so desperate?
I may be broke, but I'm not insufficient
I know you wouldn't be able to tell the difference

We all know your next move
You've got nothing to prove

Open up your eyes
Why can't you see what's inside?
You will fall with the rise of the tide
Because you would rather hold onto your pride
I hope you enjoy the ride

You will always be one to compromise
Your lack of passion underlies what I despise
What makes you think I will give in
When I'm given no reason?
You've never given me a reason

We all know your next move
And once again, you've got nothing to prove

Open up your eyes
Why can't you see what's inside?
You will fall with the rise of the tide
Because you would rather hold onto your pride
I hope you enjoy the ride

You've settled over routines
Do you even know what sets you free?
You've wasted time
This has become your life

Open up your eyes
Why can't you see what's inside?
You will fall with the rise of the tide
Because you would rather hold onto your pride
I hope you enjoy the ride

Yikes. I experienced my first nervous breakdown before menstruating last night. I never want to go through that again.

ONE, TWO, THREE, FAHHHH...

My new goal in life: To become the female version of Mikey Erg.

"oh hidy hidy hidy what're you trying prove?"

I'm not too sure what gives you the right to think that just because you can't get what you want no one else can have it as well. What makes things even more pathetic is that you think you're always right. Everyone loves you because you give off this "I don't give a fuck" attitude, but deep down I know you're miserable. You will always be miserable and I don't even have to talk to you to know that.

I'd like to hire a plane. I'd see you in the morning.

I don't know what it is, but the outcome of what you long and wait for is so much more rewarding.

Never go back...

I'm looking at pictures
And I'm thinking of those times
Those times have changed
And so have I

"We're brown as fuck..."

I've done away with this town for so long that I'm not even recognized in public
Like a ghost, I'll remain to be absent in your presence
I prefer to keep my distance
Because I was never given your acceptance
You never listened and it took me 8 years to realize that it wouldn't have made a difference
It never made a difference

I hate Ridgefield, New Jersey.

"My Mother Got Married In Pants..."

I was thirteen
Is this the life I lead?
It never made sense, but it finally hit me
Is this really happening?

I became a recluse
Struggled with the blues
If I wasn't good enough for you
Then who?

This is your life
No one can tell you whether you're wrong or right
I woke up feeling fine
And this is what gets me by

I've lost friends and shed thousands of tears
Being left alone is what I feared
But you weren't worth it to begin with
Not even the least bit

I was no longer a recluse
Done away with the blues
You say I'm not good enough for you
Fuck you

This is your life
No one can tell you whether you're wrong or right
I woke up feeling fine
And this is what gets me by

No point in dwelling on what's been lost
Because what I've gained can't be sold at any cost

This is your life
No one can tell you whether you're wrong or right
I woke up feeling fine
And this is what gets me by

This song is a touchy subject, but it's straight to the point. In my case, I am not so straight. Ya dig?

Patience is a virtue...

I couldn't be happier with how things are going and they will only get better.

"Home"

Finally, I've written a song about friends...

I've been down
No way to turn things around
I've stayed in for days
Not wanting to see a single face

I'm not sure why you would drive the extra mile
To make the effort to make me smile
I've always felt so alone
But for once, I've found comfort and it has only grown

People come and go
And the past was so long ago
But I just want you to know
You've given me a place to call home

Trust has never come with ease
But you've shown me how easy it could be
You believed in me
And because of that, I'm becoming the person I want to be

I'm not sure why you would drive the extra mile
To make the effort to make me smile
I've always felt so alone
But for once, I've found comfort and it has only grown

People come and go
And the past was so long ago
But I just want you to know
You've given me a place to call home

This is where I'll be in January.

Jan. 7th- East Bay, CA
Jan. 8th- Reno, NV
Jan. 9th- Eugene, OR
Jan 11th- Portland, OR
Jan. 12th- Centralia, WA
Jan. 13th- Vancouver, WA
Jan. 14th- SLC, UT
Jan. 15th- Denver, CO
Jan. 16th- Albuquerque, NM
Jan. 17th- Phoenix, AZ
Jan. 18th- Las Vegas, NV
Jan. 19th- San Diego, CA
Jan. 20th- Los Angles, CA
Jan. 21st- Fresno, CA
Jan. 22nd- San Jose, CA
Jan. 23rd- San Francisco, CA

"That Veronica Vaughn is one piece of ACE..."

I'd like to buy you a slurpee
Watch your teeth turn green
Would that make you happy?
If only you knew what you do to me

Let's go out for a burrito run
Eat nachos one by one
Wouldn't that be fun?
I think I like you a ton

I sit in my room listening to Bivouac
Because it reminds me of you and now I can't stop
You're not like a picture that I can easily crop
You're like the cute little kitten that I can't drop

I know this all might sound crazy
But I think about you constantly
You're all I see
And my eyes don't mislead me
You're what I need
Please, believe me

So much for not trying to write a song about a girl...

I've managed to write 5 songs in the past two weeks and none of them have to do with girls, but I'm still complaining about something...

I'll be going into the studio to record 3 of the 5 new songs for the new trio pop-punk band Carlos and I have started. I'm crossing my fingers that we'll be able to find a drummer with these tracks.

1. Twenty One
2. The Music Business and Coffee
3. Waiting List

"Twenty One"

It's getting harder every day to get out of bed
The alarm clock doesn't phase me and it's going off again
Late to work; I punch in
I hear my manager yelling and it doesn't end
Fuck, is it time to leave yet?

I don't make end's meet
and everyday is a repeat
It's almost the end of the week
and for now that's enough to keep me going

I don't have a whole lot to spare
but it's the weekend and I don't care
Just give me a time and place and I'll meet you there
I'll meet you there

Stuck in traffic and I'm late to class
Today's lesson: don't be an idiot or you won't pass
I can never remember anything and my work is always half-assed
I hate my professor because he talks too fast
This classroom constantly smells like gas

School isn't for me
But it makes my parents happy
It's almost the end of the week
and for now that's enough to keep me going

I don't have a whole lot to spare
but it's the weekend and I don't care
Just give me a time and place and I'll meet you there
I'll meet you there

(I'm only 21) My life hasn't even begun
(I'm only 21)So fuck it, here's to having fun
(I'm only 21) I'm still young and having fun

I don't have a whole lot to spare
but it's the weekend and I don't care
Just give me a time and place and I'll meet you there
I'll meet you there

"The Music Business and Coffee"

It's crazy that you think you could fit the role
You write your riffs just for show
In hopes that a certain crowd will follow
But you've already dug yourself into a hole

You've compiled so many ideas but no direction
What makes you think they will listen?
And you expect me to lead the way
When we're never on the same page

I play music because it makes me happy
But you've always been so goddamn greedy
Your way of thinking isn't healthy
and it's brought you to your knees
I'm sorry, but I'm leaving

"Write a song like that, but 6 more times.
You'll be sure to live a successful life."
I'd rather sell all of my equipment
Than give into your bullshit

You've compiled so many ideas but no direction
What makes you think they will listen?
And you expect me to lead the way
When we're never on the same page

I play music because it makes me happy
But you've always been so goddamn greedy
Your way of thinking isn't healthy
and it's brought you to your knees
I'm sorry, but I'm leaving

I should've seen it from the start
Because now it's all falling apart
But it's time to move on
And I'll continue writing my own songs

I play music because it makes me happy
But you've always been so goddamn greedy
Your way of thinking isn't healthy
and it's brought you to your knees
I'm sorry, but I'm leaving

"Waiting List"

I always hear the shit that you pull
Every story becomes more repetitive and dull
How can one be so fucking shallow?
I didn't think it was possible

You lie
And that's what gets you by
You really think you're one of a kind
Convinced that you're sent down from above to better our lives
Please, get the fuck out of my site

You think how you live your life is okay
And you'll be forgiven because every night you pray
If Hell really does exist
I'm sure you're on the waiting list

The worst part of it all is that you're family
But nothing you say will get to me
At least I know I can be happy
And I don't need a God to tell me to be

You lie
And that's what gets you by
You really think you're one of a kind
Convinced that you're sent down from above to better our lives
Yeah, try in another life

You think how you live your life is okay
And you'll be forgiven because every night you pray
If Hell really does exist
I'm sure you're on the waiting list

I couldn't be happier with these songs I've written. It's been a hell of a lot easier for me write to for this particular style. I don't know, but the lyrics, song structures, and melodies all make sense to me and I realized this because I'm actually having fun. I'm not too sure why I haven't done this earlier, but I'm glad I finally am.

Your music still sucks.

What was the point of that?

I don't understand my ex partners and I never will. They all crave for attention and when it's not given to them, they don't know what to do with themselves.

Anyway, it's National Edge Day! Celebrating 8 years of being Straight Edge.

Thank you...

Keeping myself occupied with several bands won't help me take my mind off of you because I find myself constantly writing songs about you. I'm screwed no matter what I do.

Even though this Summer has been the best thus far, I would like it to end already. I'm not too sure why, but usually around this time a persistent feeling of emptiness and restlessness takes over me. I usually get over it, but it just sucks having to deal with it. There are days I don't want to be bothered, but I'll go out thinking it'll do me some good and in result, I'll feel uncomfortable in my own skin and think to myself, "God, why did I even bother going out?" I don't want people to think that I don't enjoy their company because I do, I'm just...I don't know. It's hard for me to explain it. It could just be my depression. During the Fall, Winter, and Spring, I'm constantly busy so with that, my depression is forgotten about until the Summer comes along when I have some time to myself and am reminded of it. This isn't a cry for help or anything and I don't want others to feel bad nor do I expect them to understand. The only way to deal with my depression is on my own and it's been like that from the beginning. I briefly mentioned this to Kelly and I do feel better. Anyway, I know I'll be fine because I always manage to pick myself up. I do leave for San Francisco next Tuesday so I'm sure while I'm out there I'll be able to clear my mind and be back to my normal self once I come back home.

I need to have this on my body already...

Reoccurring dreams...

*To dream that you are in a public restroom with no stalls or that there are a lot of people around while you are trying to do your business, signifies your frustrations about getting enough privacy. You are always putting others ahead of your own needs. As a result, you are lacking a sense of personal space. Alternatively, the dream indicates that you are having difficulties letting go of old emotions. You are afraid that if you reveal these feelings, then others around you will judge and criticize you.

*To dream that you can not find the bathroom or that you have difficulties finding one, indicates that you have difficulties in releasing and expressing your emotions. You are holding back your true feelings about something.

Some things I'd rather keep to myself even if it kills me.

I want you...

"Well, I was thinking of covering "Want" at my wedding in a couple months, and when I was looking for other covers to get ideas I saw yours on Youtube and it was kind of perfect. I was wondering, would you mind if I covered your style of cover? As well, what fret do you have your Capo on and what are the chords? I am trying to copy by ear, and don't want to screw it up...."

It goes on and on...

My blog has become other people's problems when really they should just focus on their own problems. It's amazing how one can assume they know what's going on within my life by just reading my blog when they have no idea.

Anyway, I created a tumblr that'll only be music related.
thisismycondition.tumblr.com

To all my creepers, get a life.

Everybody's ruined like me...

So...this was passed on to me from a friend of a friend...

"I've found you have to find middle ground. My middle ground is travel enough so that you DO get sick of that too and then have no choice, but to go home."

It makes sense.

Maybe I'm just cursed...

This is how being at work saves me...

You said that I understood you

And sadly enough I knew

I knew your next move

But you gave me nothing, so I had nothing to lose

Things can easily be prevented

But one can only hope for the best to happen

Why won’t you give in?

I’ll keep you in high spirit

Ahead I see a light, an escape

(You’re what I anticipate)

All I want is to find my place

(You’re what I anticipate)

I'm down 5 pounds and I've 10 more to go!

Screaming words of blasphemy, another year of misery...

I feel like this would be a debatable topic...

I believe that you cannot truly hate someone until you've loved them.

You know who I am, but will you know me in the end?

Dear future friends and lovers,

I constantly write about the same shit...song after song. Which means I constantly go through the same shit and I'm tired, I really am. Don't get me wrong, I love writing...no matter what it is about. It is my fault, though. I set myself up and make the same mistake. You think I'd learn my lesson, but I'm just a fool. This has become a routine and there must be something wrong with me because somehow I find comfort in this. I give you permission to go ahead and make a fool out of me. We'll both get something out of it. You'll see how charitable I am and take advantage of me and I'll have my rehashed songs. Just give me a time and place and I'll be there.

Your victim,
Kristia

These are the only two lines that stood out to me in my writing that I dabbled with for about a good hour:

Ahead I see a light, an escape
All I want is to find my place

Mama Moya knows best...

Me: Why do you make fun of me whenever I'm laughing lately?!
Mama Moya: Ohhh, I just think it's cute. I haven't heard you laugh like this in a while and you seem happy. That's all.

If I could fall Into the sky, do you think time would pass us by?

This summer will be even better than last summer.
I cannot wait.

You've fixed my emptiness with your lips of loveness...

I wrote this back in 2006 and it is still the only love song I've ever written...

"Lips of Loveness"

You're all I see and my eyes don't mislead me
You've got me weak to my knees, mouth watering, stomach turning
And I couldn't ask for anything more
Because I can't wait for what's in store

You've fixed my emptiness with your lips of loveness
That never seem to fail me
I always find myself keep on coming back for more
It's true, I do

Is this a dream that I'm in?
If it is then don't wake me up from it
Because I don't mind
Dreaming of you all night

With your smile, you release all that I see is wrong
You keep me safe and strong

Do I miss feeling this way about someone?
Yes and I'm scared that because of putting so much effort into the one person I fell in love with, I don't know how to feel this way again.
Also, I have yet to meet someone to make me feel like this.

Edit:

I wrote this in 2007(It's about the same person obviously.)...

"All I Have"

Waking up in the middle of the night by your scent
I look over and you're not present
It is only my sheets that reek of you that has me fooled
I know grasping my pillow will not bring me closer to you

But when I close my eyes
You're right by my side

And I will hold onto these moments
That comfort me when I'm in need
Because it's all that I have
It's all that I have

Walking down the street, crossing over to the other side
A breeze of the wind catches me by surprise
It takes a hold of me as if I were in your arms
Yet I am not alarmed

Because when I close my eyes
You're right by my side

And I will hold onto these moments
That comfort me when I'm in need
Because it's all that I have
It's all that I have

And I will hold onto these moments
That comfort me when I'm in need
Because it's all that I have
Until I see you again

We are different fucking kids with the same heartbeat. We got one pulse running through the streets...

This sums up my day.

Yesterday ruled as well. Thursday was a pretty shitty day, but having practice later on that night made up for it. Tomorrow will only be better because I'll be celebrating Mama Moya's birthday.

I want you...

I just want to meet a down to earth girl.

A girl that...

can go out in sweatpants and not be embarrassed.
can speak her mind and not hold back.
is okay with making a fool out of herself.
does not have to impress me.
picks the little things over the big things.
rather stay in, watch movies, and cuddle rather than going out and spending money.
supports me and my music.
does not care about Anniversaries except for ya know, the important one.
is willing to meet me halfway.
believes in herself.
can be herself and only for herself.
is worth showing off to the entire world.

Well, here's to being alone for who knows how long...
My hands get the job done, believe me, and I am thankful for that.

But I've found something that keeps me aware, a whole scene of people with the courage to care...

Time to parttyyyyyyyyyy.

Desperate, alone, without an excuse. I try to explain. Christ, what's the use?

Why do I constantly have to tell myself to "get over it" when I'm happy with how I'm feeling at that moment? Why can't the feeling just stay? This has happened to me 4 times in the past year. It sucks knowing I can do better than the girls I like/date and I am better than the girls that they like/date. I'm not one to dwell on shit like this because I don't have time to, but it's just like...

Again? Really? LOL.

I started taking these on Friday and already feel a difference. This rules.

Okay, I just needed to type down how amazing my weekend is going to be...

Friday - Lemuria
Saturday - I'm playing an acoustic cover set in Brooklyn with I Am Alaska, Control, and Racing Exit 13
Sunday - Copeland, I Can Make A Mess, and Person L
Monday - Company of Thieves

I know Monday doesn't count, but fuuhhhhhhh...

Good things won't let you wait...

I can't even begin to explain how amazing it feels and touched I am to have a band that I look up to tell me how talented I am.

I don't really care before, before you met me...

Is it possible to have this much self-control for one's self?

I've proven to myself that, yes, it is possible. I can easily tell myself that I can overcome anything and actually follow through. Though, I can't give myself 100% credit because the friends I have now give me reassurance. It is nice having a friend that encourages you other than yourself and because of that, I am beyond grateful.

I'm happy because I, unlike other people, can make myself happy. Some of you might think that I'm "too" into myself, but I just know where I stand. You don't.

I will never let these miserable fucks that are around me try to suck me into their miserable lives. Have fun making yourselves and each other miserable for the rest of your lives.

Remember this, remember this, remember it.

I'll be the knife on your plate
You don't need me
But I can make it easier
I want you
Cut off a piece we can chew
You ain't got to lean on me
And I won't lean on you

All dressed up and nowhere to go. I think I'm taking this trip alone...

I'm on Week 4 without eating meat and it's been great thus far. I really missed being a Vegetarian and glad I'm back at it. It definitely helps now that I have a job and can provide groceries for myself. And because of that, I'm going about it more healthier this time. When I was 15, I really didn't know what I was getting myself into and just made myself sick most of the time within that 2 year time frame that I was a Vegetarian. I've been feeling great and have been pooping more than usual. I believe it's a good thing, though.

Speaking of money...

Now that I finally have money, I'm so tempted to go somewhere for a week. I mean, ANYWHERE. By myself. I've been wanting to do this for the longest time, too. There were times last year where I just wanted to get away from everything and stay at the nearest hotel for a weekend. I wasn't trying to "run" away from anything, I just needed a fucking break. I guess we'll see...

Things have been great so far in 2010, though. I can't really complain so I won't shit on you, 2010. It's too early to!

When the world caves in, what ya gonna' do?

How desperate are you?
Actually, nevermind.
I already know.

I reach out but there's all this space. I can't connect with you, or this place...

I've realized that it's true when they say that opposites do attract. I did not have much in common with most of my partners, but the connection was there and that's why being in a relationship with them was possible. When each led to its downfall(Kindaaaa fucked up of me to say...), I thought to myself that maybe I just needed to find someone who I can relate to. Over the years, I thought it was impossible and when I came across several, there was no connection at all. I guess it was kind of stupid of me to think that way, but at least it finally hit me. Maybe I'm wrong, though. Who knows.